He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
