How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
