I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
