I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
