That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
