is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
