you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
