i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
