Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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