Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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