Screwed.edu
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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