im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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