Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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