On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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