just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
