Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
