Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
