This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His nipple licking is glorious
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