You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
