Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
