how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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