it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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