Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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