i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
