I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
no you cant smoke seaweed
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
