My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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