its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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