Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
high people should be assigned attendants
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
