Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Life is so much better after having sex.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
