How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
