Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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