the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
