If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize