I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
