Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
