the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
