is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I smell stomach acid.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
