Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
