Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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