i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
