I wish my penis had an off switch
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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