the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
