So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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