I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
