dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
