Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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