I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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