I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
