Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
