nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
