I should be sponsored by Trojan
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
