i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize