I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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