When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
