there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
