I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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