break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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