the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
