I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
